I don't think I've ever been as homesick as I have been this past little while. I don't like being this honest with myself because it makes me feel defeated, like I didn't try hard enough or give it enough of a chance. But I don't like Utah, and I don't think that's going to change. I'm having a hard time figuring out why I was supposed to come to school here, and an even harder time accepting the fact that I feel like I need to stay. I hate being away from my family. I haven't seen my niece in months and months. Apparently she's crawling and doing all sorts of cool new stuff, and I think the last time I saw her she was just barely starting to laugh. I miss my parents and how accepting and understanding and fun they are. Phone calls and text messages are nice, but I miss going on hikes with them and to Noah's and Mazatlan and watching basketball games. I miss my siblings, who, as it turns out, are all going to be living on the west coast pretty soon here. I miss my dogs. I miss the rain. I miss just having someplace to call home. I sometimes wonder if I would have gotten this homesick last year, had I not gotten literally physically sick and ended up going home because of it. I think it's normal that when I come "home" to my apartment here in Logan, I don't feel like I'm home at all. The excitement of living in a new place with new people has almost completely gone away, and the reality of where I am and who I'm with is settling in. I feel like I've just been on an extended vacation, and my subconscious is starting to wonder when I get to go back to my actual home in Portland. I can't expect to be able to live in the northwest forever, though. If I had it my way, I totally would, but someday I'm going to have a family and will probably have to leave again for whatever reason, I'm sure. Of course, I'm not feeling this homesick because there's nothing here for me. I love Utah State University (I just don't like the culture, or the snow.) I have friends that enjoy my company and I enjoy theirs. The mountains are beautiful, my apartment is nice, I have a car to get around, there's plenty of fun stuff going on all the time. I really am blessed. I just miss my home. My real home. And I wish that I could figure out what I was supposed to gain from coming here, soon, so that I can go home. Or at the very least, I wish I knew how to create a "home" here for myself, like an adult should. I know that I'm not alone, it just feels like I am sometimes.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
draw a map, find a path, take a breath, and run.
I don't think I've ever been as homesick as I have been this past little while. I don't like being this honest with myself because it makes me feel defeated, like I didn't try hard enough or give it enough of a chance. But I don't like Utah, and I don't think that's going to change. I'm having a hard time figuring out why I was supposed to come to school here, and an even harder time accepting the fact that I feel like I need to stay. I hate being away from my family. I haven't seen my niece in months and months. Apparently she's crawling and doing all sorts of cool new stuff, and I think the last time I saw her she was just barely starting to laugh. I miss my parents and how accepting and understanding and fun they are. Phone calls and text messages are nice, but I miss going on hikes with them and to Noah's and Mazatlan and watching basketball games. I miss my siblings, who, as it turns out, are all going to be living on the west coast pretty soon here. I miss my dogs. I miss the rain. I miss just having someplace to call home. I sometimes wonder if I would have gotten this homesick last year, had I not gotten literally physically sick and ended up going home because of it. I think it's normal that when I come "home" to my apartment here in Logan, I don't feel like I'm home at all. The excitement of living in a new place with new people has almost completely gone away, and the reality of where I am and who I'm with is settling in. I feel like I've just been on an extended vacation, and my subconscious is starting to wonder when I get to go back to my actual home in Portland. I can't expect to be able to live in the northwest forever, though. If I had it my way, I totally would, but someday I'm going to have a family and will probably have to leave again for whatever reason, I'm sure. Of course, I'm not feeling this homesick because there's nothing here for me. I love Utah State University (I just don't like the culture, or the snow.) I have friends that enjoy my company and I enjoy theirs. The mountains are beautiful, my apartment is nice, I have a car to get around, there's plenty of fun stuff going on all the time. I really am blessed. I just miss my home. My real home. And I wish that I could figure out what I was supposed to gain from coming here, soon, so that I can go home. Or at the very least, I wish I knew how to create a "home" here for myself, like an adult should. I know that I'm not alone, it just feels like I am sometimes.